The alcoholics' drinking is the problem, and until they stop drinking, there's nothing their family members can do to make things better for themselves. Again, false.

More and more, the psychological community is beginning to realize that alcohol and drug abuse has an indelible effect on abusers' families. The families often form structures that, in fact, make it easier for alcohol abusers to keep drinking. In trying to shield themselves from the alcoholic and minimize the consequences of his actions, the family becomes as sick as he is – and as a result, the estimated 30 million adults in the U.S. who are children of alcoholics often suffer from low self-esteem, a need for approval, troubled relationships and a skewed sense of what constitutes normal behavior.

Psychiatrist Timmen Cermak, co-founder of National Association for Children of Alcoholics, one of the many self-help groups formed in the past decade to deal with the problem, says, "The most pervasive effects have to do with mistrust. If for 20 years the love and trust that is built during the day is betrayed in the evening when the parent is drunk, you will surely become convinced that the only person you can depend on is yourself."

He adds, "People from alcoholic homes tend to have what is called psychic numbing. If as a child you had to distance yourself from your feelings in order to tolerate what you were experiencing, that habit becomes automatic. It's almost as if there is a buffer between the person and his or her emotions."

Mike Alexander of Human Affairs Inc. says, "People who live with someone who is currently abusing alcohol need help too. It’s true that your father or mother needs help, but you've had to live with it. You're in need of help as well."

Sharon Wegscheider, a pioneer in working with alcoholic families, writes, "It is no accident that every alcoholic has a supporting cast – literally supporting – as he plays out his drama. Without them he would have had to face the consequences of his actions long before his dependency on drinking could have developed into full-blown alcoholism." But the people around him step in to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Almost anyone – family members, supervisors, co-workers, friends – "pinch-hit for him, hide his mistakes, alibi or lie for him, even to themselves."

In families of those dependent on alcohol drugs, one person – usually the spouse – generally falls into the role of the chief "enabler." The full effects of the consequences are buffered by the people who care. Enablers take over the alcoholics' responsibilities and cover up for them because it seems to be the only to do. They make excuses for the alcoholics. They budget and take on extra work to relieve them of financial responsibilities.

Wegscheider writes, "To friends, relatives, neighbors, even professional people if they are naive in the ways of alcoholic families, she (the enabler) appears to be trying hard to discourage the dependent's drinking. She pleads with him and berates him; she destroys his supply... But all the while her super-responsible posture is actually making it possible for him to go on drinking. She is preventing the crises that offer the dependent – and the family – one hope for change."

For the enabler to change, she must accept the fact that no one can make another person stop drinking and that she needs to confront the alcohol or drug abuser and get the whole family the help it needs.

Children of alcoholics have, in recent years, been found to be playing out other roles in the family drama. The oldest child often becomes the "Hero" – the super-responsible overachiever who tries to make everything okay. Another child may serve as the "Scapegoat',' who turns to bad behavior to get attention and gives the family someone to blame when things go wrong. They continue to play out the same roles as adults, becoming the workaholic or the employee who somehow always forgets the rules.

Many adult children of alcoholics may never drink, Alexander says. "They say, 'I won't let it happen to me.' They don't understand that their difficulties in being close to people are as much a by-product of the dysfunctional family as drinking would be." He adds, "When we work with marriage and family problems, all across the country, more than 60 percent of the cases involve adult children of alcoholics."

Too many members of such families blame the alcoholic and wait for him to get better, rather than getting help for themselves. "Blaming the alcoholic is like saying 'He shot me.' No matter whose fault the bullet wound is, it's still bleeding, and you still have to get it treated."

I'm a teetotaler. If a man drinks, I don't trust him, period. I have a big family, and I've got some brothers who have problems with alcohol. We've never really talked about Dad's drinking. It's just a silent understanding. The whole family is not very close. All us are extremely independent. We were all out on our own in our teens, living off our wits. I have almost no trust in people. When it gets right down to hard knocks and nitty gritty, I don't trust people. There are a lot of things I don't know in bringing up my own family. I never had a family life. I had to learn as I went along.

What my dad did, he came home and took all his frustrations out on the family. We had a lot of mental abuse. He blamed us kids, Mother, everyone but himself. My dad never admitted that he had a problem, never once. He drank himself to death.